I am Superman and attack of the plastic chairs...

Being a manager, I often think back to those instances where I have been in a unique situation and what I learned from that experience. I learned more about life and business from being in a fraternity than anything else. It was there I held or attempted to hold numerous positions of responsibility while all the time realizing to not take everything so seriously.

Back when I was
rush chair of my fraternity, one of the questions that we asked prospective pledges was "if you could have any super power in the world, what super power would you have? Their answer was supposed to help garner some insight into their souls and if they would fit in. Would they like to fly? [Typical. Guy would be a rank-and-file partier.] Would they like to be able to listen to any conversation? [Bug-on-the-wall syndrome meant the guy was a closet pervert. [We didn't mind open perverts, just closeted ones.] But if the pledge candidate in question gave a unique answer, well that guy was probably fraternity president or treasurer material. I don't remember my own answer from that time, but I think I have discovered my super power.

It happened
again. I got an email informing me that yet another ex-girlfriend got married over the weekend. This is my super power: if you date me, your next boyfriend will be the One. I share this not in bitterness but in the hope that single, unattached women will flock to me, have a decent but not perfect relationship full of hi-jinks, and then after a somewhat agreeable departing, you meet the love of your life in the next few weeks. Heck, they even made a movie about this last year. Except I still haven't met a Jessica Alba look-a-like.

I started noticing this trend in college. First, the cute pre-med student loved me and then married “Ted”, another cute pre-med college student. Then another girlfriend /
college fling married a pudgier version of my doppelganger. The list goes on but the story never changes. I get to bring all the happiness to my exes and me...well...I get the satisfaction of knowing some guy married my sloppy seconds. Last count, there have seven exes who met their true love after me.

A distant friend of mine has a similar trend-line except he's kind of a prick about it. He travels a lot like I do and gets to do some neat stuff as well. But he randomly calls his exes and asks them how they are doing and "just-wanted-to-let-her-know-that-he's-just-leaving-lunch-with-the-President-of-X-country-and-oh-by-the-way,-how's-your-loser-husband of an insurance-clerk-doing?" I am more of a live-and-let-live type person but he swears he gets a kick of it. Sad, really.

So, if you are a single woman, looking to meet the One, then email me and after me you'll behearing
Pachelbel's Canon and having your DUFF recite 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 in no time. One note though...the least you could do is invite me to the wedding given the use of my super power.Rumor has it that I am the ultimate wedding guest. [Perhaps yet another superpower?] I'll even dance with the DUFF for fun.


Full confession time: I was going to write a hilarious story about a plastic chair attacked me this weekend. But then I realized this might not work. Stay tuned...but read on for something better.

I know there's a lot of stuff going down right now and one doesn't have to read too much news to realize we have it pretty good. There are literally tens of thousands of people dying daily in earthquakes, cyclones, tornadoes and quasi-genocidal conflicts.

What's even worse is that we are becoming immune to the tragedies and, in our overwhelmed state, are actually showing less compassion for our fellow humans. Apparently the newest psychosis occupying us these days is "disaster fatigue". Long story short, a series of tragedies is overwhelming our brains and making us think "eff
it". So we give less. That is not good.

Lord knows after paying my dentist bills and and buying my new triathlon bike, the last thing I want to do is dig deeper and send a $100 bucks to some family in Burma. [Quick poll: Who wants to live in Burma? Not all at once now...] But I could be saving a life or two or maybe more? Instead I wince at giving up an average weekend bar tab for those folks who I don't know but will never be in more dire circumstances.

I should know better. I once saved a little girl's life as a lifeguard and it was an event that I still brag about today. I would have given anything to save her life in that moment.
I wonder if its only because
it was in my face that I decided to act. Will you join me in sending aid in some small way to those folks who really need it the most?


vd said...

Does this superpower work on men, too. Call me...

Oreo said...

in response to vd (which, really, you don't realize your initials are the most sexually offputting combination out there?) -
there are enough men who want men in this city. A straight available man? Now that's rare. Back off and stay away from our straight boys! I have nothing against gays (I'm a regular at homo hotel happy hour) but straight single guys who know jack about women are a hard find!!!

washwords said...

ha ha ha, "heard" - I have the same superpower, except mine's even more specific. date me - you'll be engaged the following new year's. siggh. if i weren't happily coupled i'd suggest we date!